After spending God knows how long fannying about with a chair at this angle, then that angle I was finally happy with the Fung Shui. I sat and admired the view. What this room needs is an over sized rug to set it off nicely I thought as I sipped my well earned brew, and before I’d finished it I’d ordered one. Dang, we women are so efficient…at spending money!
A couple of hours later - ping! The email read ‘Your order has been dispatched and will be with you in a few days’. Yes! I was all clenched teeth and squished face with excitement. A new lush green rug and wooden CD rack (oops forgot to mention that to the hubby) were making their way to Greater Manchester. Two days later at precisely 1.35pm a white van pulls up, yay at last. I opened the door and the chap said “Name”, I responded appropriately with my surname. His eyes rolled and he let out a bewildered sigh? He didn’t even attempt to spell it on the virtual keyboard.
“First name” Perhaps he can’t spell long words I thought.
“Mishka” I said, knowing it was not going to be simple.
“Eh, you what?” He looked mighty confused. Here we go.
“My first name is Mishka” I repeated.
“Where are you from, are you foreign? He said.
“No” I replied sternly and watched as he eyeballed me up and down. It was at that point that I realised I was still in my scruffs from all the cleaning and I probably looked like a refugee. I snatched the electronic signature device, signed and shut the door. Honestly how rude.
I tear open the plastic packaging from the rug and rolled it out on to the carpet. Yes it looked like a mini football pitch but yes, it looked fabulous too!
Next the flat pack CD rack. Oh the joys. After dragging the box (which was as heavy as a dead body) into the kitchen I sliced it open and read the instructions. I mentally recite my mantra – I can do this, I do NOT need a man.
Tools required – screwdriver – check.
Approximate time required to build item – 30 minutes – not bad.
Number of persons required to build item – 1 – thank God.
As Bob the Builder would say “Can we fix it? – Yes we can!”
Eer...I think you’ll find no we can’t. I was 30 minutes in and I still hadn’t actually connected two pieces of wood together. WTF. And what’s all this ‘one person’ shite? I think what they should really write is, ‘one person required if you have two chairs and a table to help hold the sides up and 2 strong men; one to push the sides together, the other to screw the screws’. Ooh don’t get me started on the screwing. I never thought screwing 26 screws into a bit of plywood could be so exhausting. OMG you should have seen the state of me. I looked like I’d run the London marathon, twice, on my knees. Bent over, huffing, puffing, red faced and sweating from places I didn’t even know you could sweat from. My legs were blanched and numb from kneeling and the lack of blood circulating. I know you are envisaging this right now and are probably wondering how I manage to keep a husband! Me too. Flat pack queen I am not – give me a man any day.
Love & kisses
Miss Piggy
