introducing...Daisy!

Those who know me well know that I am not the most of maternal of people.  I don’t particularly like children, I especially don’t like other people’s children and if I’m honest I never really wanted children.  The idea of bringing up a child in a world that has so much wrong with it made me sad.  How would I be able to protect them from all the harm and negative experiences that are out there?  When I was consulted by the hospital who informed me of the fact that I couldn’t have children anyway, I thought well that settles that and found myself batting down the M62 to pick up an 8 week old boxer pup.  12 months later I fell pregnant.  Bloody doctors!  I suppose I consider my daughter to be a little bit of a miracle baby and cherish her every day…that is in between the telling’s off and the general frustration that is part and parcel of bringing up a child.   

So today’s blog is all about this week’s trials and tribulations with my 6 year old adorable, cheeky little monkey sox Daisy.  Below is this week’s ‘Classic Daisy’ moments…

3…

It’s 5 days to Father’s Day and I’m thinking we ought to nip out and get something totally rad for my husband A.K.A Daisy’s step-father.  I don’t really like the ‘S.F’ word it’s too clinical for me and doesn’t even come close to what a wonderful Dad Jason is to her.  We prefer Pops in our house.  So off we trot to the shops to purchase something, hopefully, he doesn’t already have.  En route home, gift in hand, I said to Daisy “Now make sure you don’t tell Jason, it’ll be our secret”.  We are home, on the drive and I reiterate “Remember don’t say anything!  We’ll make him breakfast in bed on the day”.  We’re in the front door and taking our coats off when I whisper “Ssh don’t forget darling, don’t say anything it’ll be a nice surprise for him”.   I turn, close the front door and Daisy is jogging up the stairs shouting “Jason, Jason me and Mummy have a secret and I can’t tell you that we’ve got you a present for Father’s Day”. Grrr bloody kids!

2…

We’ve been in the swimming pool for nearly 2 hours.  My eyes are stinging with each blink and I’m looking closer to 60 with every passing minute judging by my prune like fingers.  Daisy is like a performing seal; dive in the water, swim to the steps and out, dive in the water, swim to the step and out, and dive in the water…you get the idea.  After several minutes of coaxing and gentle persuasion we are in the changing room where I’m trying to warm her up so her lips are pink again.  “Do you need a wee before we leave” I say.  “No mum I’m fine” she replies.  We’re dressed and ready to go, we pass the loo’s, “Daisy have a quick wee before you go” “No Mum I don’t need one” she says.  Inevitably minutes from home I hear “Oh no mum I really need a wee”.  WTF!  Is this a joke? We’ve only been in the car 5 minutes if that, I just can’t believe it.  I say sternly “Tough Daisy, you’re going to have to wait now, we are just around the corner.  She’s starting to well up “Mum I really can’t hold it anymore”.  Anymore?  She hasn’t held it at all!  I am determined not to stop as I just want to get home.  30 second from the front door she bursts into tears “Mum it’s coming out”.  Frustrated I slam on the breaks, veer into the pavement and open her door.  She’s hopping on each foot trying to get her pants down.   I bend down, swoop her up in my arms and she starts to have a wee.  I’m desperately trying not to get it on my new trainers but it’s worse than a garden sprinkler! She’s all done and I’m helping her to re-dress and then it happens, the car keys fall into the puddle directly below us.  I can’t believe it. I scoop them up as quickly as I can but it’s too late.  They are dripping with wee and Daisy is in hysterics.  Why do I bother?

1…

The scene is set – Hot bath, light off, candles and tea lights dotted around the bathroom.  It’s Sunday and I’ve spent the entire afternoon ironing; 5 sets of uniforms, 5 shirts and pants and 5 different outfits for myself for the week.  I’m knackered and desperately need to relax before its back to the 6am rise and shine and chaos that is the school and work run.  As I slip myself into the fragrant oily suds, kindle in hand, I can feel the relief role over me. I take a few moments to breath in the floral fumes and start another chapter of the latest saucy novel (50 shades…) 10 minutes in and Daisy comes bounding through the door.  “Mum I really need a poo”.   Goodbye serenity.  I watch as swings her little legs over the bowl and then start to scrunch up her face.  She lets out a rasping fart and laughs uncontrollably whilst wafting her hands up to her nose.  I know who she got this from and it wasn’t me!  “Mum it’s a really big one this, can you smell it?” and again laughs out loud again. I hear one almighty plop and she shoots me a look from the corner of her eye letting out a hugely satisfied “Ahhhh”.   Oh the joys of kids.

So, if you’re thinking of having children at least you know that this is what you have to expect, if you already have children I hope you can sympathise with me and if you don’t have children, for whatever reason, enjoy life in a way that I never will.

Love & hugs

Miss Piggy x