TFI Friday. It’s out first
weekend sans Daisy in weeks and we have an epic 21st party lined
up. It’s been in our diary for months
and naturally I had a ‘totes amaze balls’ outfit lined up (thankfully no drama
this time). As the clock strikes 4.30pm
‘Big J’ is pacing the tiles waiting for me to log off and shut down. “McDonalds for tea” he says proudly like
lobster and champers will be on the menu.
I look at him, sigh and reply “Ever the romantic darling”. As the golden arches come into view I remind
my husband that we need to pick up a card and present for our beloved Scotty
and that we should pop into TESCO after we have eaten.
Food’s up and we’re sat on mustard coloured ‘Bond villain’ style
swivel chairs discussing the latest work gossip before I’m interrupted with a
text. Once we’ve finished eating, I pick up my phone and head for TESCO. As my fella browses the shelves for some
deeply inappropriate joke gift I peruse for the latest Moshi Monster and a black
kohl pencil. Once we’ve paid at the till
we’re in the car en route home where I take the opportunity to create a hideous
gothic/Amy Winehouse look on my eyelids saying “What do you think of this look
baby” whilst cackling with laughter.
As we walk through the front door I kick off my shoes and a sudden
wave of panic sweeps across me “OMG where’s my phone, where’s my phone” I
scream. “Calm down! It will be in the car” my husband replies. Tiny beads of sweat form on my forehead as I
start to search the car frantically followed by a flashback of me putting my
phone down on the self-service till. Holy shit balls, I’ve lost my phone…again. (The first time was in a pub toilet where it
fell from my back pocket when I was having a wee. I only realised half way home and we had to
turn back in the taxi. Thankfully God
was smiling down on me that day too!) We
jump back in the car, minus my shoes! And as my husband heads back to TESCO I
snatched his phone; got TESCO’s number from directory enquires and rang to see
if anyone had handed it in – no joy. I rang
my own number repeatedly until finally, 30 seconds from the car park the voice
of an angel answered. “Yes I have your phone here” she says, it’s like music to
my ears. As we pull up to the sliding
doors I sprint out the car and launch myself up the steps to TESCO and it’s
only as I take the last step that I realise that I’m in the middle of a
shopping centre with no shoes on and look like Alice Cooper in a floral skirt.
WTF! I don’t know what you think, but
that is definitely not the get-up of your average sane person. Once back in the car, I’m emotionally
exhausted and greeted with the patronising comment of “You won’t be so lucky
next time” and it would seem that the font of all knowledge is right again.
Turd.
As we arrive home for the second time I open the boot of the car
with a dismayed look on my face. “Where’s
my handbag J?” I ask confused. “Handbag,
I don’t know I haven’t seen it” he says.
Before he’s even finished his sentence I’m on all fours on the back seat,
groping the carpet beneath the chairs but there’s no handbag. I don’t believe it; I can’t have, no, surely
not. But as the seconds tick by it becomes apparent that I have left handbag in McDonalds too. My favourite handbag containing my cheque book,
ALL my make-up, my LAST bottle of perfume, my NEW designer sunglasses, my work
ID badge, my precious blog notes and a mirror Daisy bought me…all gone. I looked at J, his face had changed to a
popular primary colour and I swear I saw a little steam escape from his
ears. I think it’s fair to say he was
NOT a happy bunny. I dare not write the obscenity that came from that mans
mouth. I rang McDonalds with no avail.
So with no make-up and no perfume and no money to buy any, the
evening plans were cancelled and we were a sorry pair sat on the couch with a
bottle of red and a packet of Tangtastic Haribo’s. What a bangin’ Friday night that turned out
to be.
Love & kisses
Twiglette Piglette
Could only happen to you - or could it????
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